The Rare and Glorious "Aha!" Moment

You know the kind... that rare and glorious "aha!" moment, the one that proves you're not crazy. I'm still coming down from a high of one of those that I experienced tonight. It's funny, I was just talking to my friend Monica this week about how I would segway this blog into deeper topics, ones that loom behind the shallow surface. Well, my "aha!" moment has inspired/reenergized me and now I will quickly post this before I run out of bravery!

First of all, let me start with the observation that sometimes God leads us toward something before we even know exactly what it is. So when you're doing it people may ask why and you may not have a good answer for them, but ultimately if you know in your heart that what you're doing is out of conviction of the holy spirit, you just need to trust God to bless you for it.

I guess that's the point of this post. But if you'd really like to know.... here's my BIG issue that's taken me TWO YEARS to atleast understand what it was I was dealing with. So, here's Katie in a nutshell: growing up people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never really said a profession, I just knew I really wanted to fall in love and be a Mom. Out of God's grace, I was blessed with a really wonderful mom. I can't say enough about my Mom and what she means to me now that I fully understand the impact she had on my life. So, when I left home and went to college I was drilled with the idea that my career would be my purpose, my contribution to the world, my self-worth. I am so thankful for my college education, but one of the most backwards things I learned there was that my self-worth would be defined by my career.

God gives us callings and purpose. Many of us are blessed when the two align and we can use our career to glorify God. You don't have to be a minister to minister to others. It's wonderful to have a job that you enjoy and provides for your family, just don't let it become your self-worth. That was my problem. 10 days after graduation I got married. I was wonderfully whisked away to FL, where I would be for an undetermined amount of time (with the Marine Corps I could count on it being short). I did enjoy taking photography classes, working for a photographer and starting my own photography home-business. Then as I was wonderfully whisked away to California I struggled with what to do with myself for the short 6 months I'd be there. I cringed (literally) when people asked me: "what is it that you do?" Isn't that one of our first questions for people, after the "what's your name...," "where are you from...," "what do you do?" I have struggled for two years with my self-worth because of  a stupid question that I get asked everytime I meet someone new. I struggled because in college I started to define my self-worth in a career. When I graduated and entered into the military lifestyle, my hopes of a big career quickly went down on the priority list. All of a sudden I had a wonderful husband that I was crazy about, a new adventurous life, an interesting string of family issues and grievances, all of which helped me put my priorities into perspective. But one area of my life was a mess, my self-worth. I lost confidence in myself when I felt like my self-worth was missing. In some ways it has been harder than dealing with my father's abandonment. It took a long time for God to get it through my hard head that I didn't have to define my self-worth by a career. My self-worth comes from Christ alone. If I am never anything more than a child of God then that's okay. Maybe as I write these words I'll start to really believe them.

As some of you know, I'm not on facebook anymore. I felt like God had put in my heart that I needed to get off facebook. After comparing myself to other people and realizing I cared too much about what people thought than I wanted to let on, I eventually got fed up with myself enough to pull the plug. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted and I knew right away God would bless me for it. Now, there is NOTHING wrong with facebook. There IS something wrong with comparing yourself to other people (coveting) and caring too much what people think. I was embarrassed to tell people when they asked why in the world I would be off facebook. I could tell them the symptoms but I didn't even really know myself the true reason I let it go, the core of the issue. Finally tonight at a conversation after bible study it just came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying; my "aha" moment. I just said "I got off facebook because I didn't want to define my self-worth based on what people thought of me." Boom. Roasted.

Not really though, because I still struggle with it. I'm not saying everyone should get off facebook- I personally did because of my problem. And I'm sure the next time someone asks me "what is it that I do," I probably won't say "oh, well, ya know I'm just a child of God... that's what I do..." Even as I type this it sounds (reads) weird to say that what I do is what I am. That's my problem, I've somehow intertwined the two, but to borrow a phrase from one of my husband's favorite childhood shows, GI Joe, "knowing is half the battle."At least now that I know the root of my big issue I can deal with it. No earthly role, whether it be a mom, wife, business woman, etc. should define who I truly am. God gives us desires, biblical priorities, passions and gifts that make us who we are and we should unashamedly use those, but with one purpose: to glorify him and nothing else. Ultimately our identity is in him... when we boast, we should boast in Christ alone.

1 Corinthians 1: 20-31

 ²⁰Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ²¹For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. ²²Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, ²³but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, ²⁴but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. ²⁵For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
 ²⁶Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."^[d]